This Is Us & This Is Me: I Too, Am Beth

Season 3, Episode 3: Katie’s Girls

While there’s no denying the similarities I share with all three of the Pearson children (that’s another blog for another day), Season 3’s third episode reminded me that I too, am Beth - the happy-to-give-advice woman who more often than not, holds her own thoughts and feelings hostage.

It’s just so easy to do. Focus on everyone else. Be there for everyone else. It gives me purpose, solidifies my role in the world and meshes with my INTJ personality but boy, oh boy, it can be dangerous too.

Like Beth, I don’t want to come off as a burden. I’d much rather be the person everyone else can rely on.

So I listen. I ponder. I explain. And I understand. Because I get it. Life is hard for all of us. We are all struggling with something and as much as I pretend not to, I CARE.

So I do what I can to help carry the burdens of my family, friends and even co-workers. And I do what I can to help champion them on toward success. I want them to have the job of their dreams and for them to find the perfect soulmate, and for everything else to work out.

Beth is the same way. Remember how she supported Randall buying the building? And how she knew Kate was nervous about the IVF procedure? Remember how she knew exactly how Miguel and Toby felt as Pearson outsiders? Remember her chats with William? What about the time she loving confronted Deja about her hair? Just think of all those times she was there holding everyone together. She’s never afraid to say what everyone else is thinking. She’s bold and loving - the kind of person every family needs. Constant.

But in the midst of her being a rock for everyone else, life is happening to her too. But we rarely see her open up. “Katie’s Girls” exposes this in a flashback conversation she has with William.

He tells her, in so many words, to speak up when she needs to be heard. To not sit there in silence playing hero when she’s the one that needs saving.

William’s words hit me like a dagger because although I’m not as constant as Beth is, I sit in silence a lot more than I let on.

Sure, I vent. I fuss and I complain, just like everyone else but when I’m at the tipping point of mental escapism, I tend to keep my mouth shut a mutter a quiet “I’m just tired.”

And I’m sure I’m not the only one. But nevertheless, William is right. We must speak up.

No one is fluent in silence.

And so my advice is simple: be strong and vulnerable. One does not cancel out the other.

Continue to listen to your spouse, you friends, your coworkers and your family but don’t you dare sit there in silence, wondering if you’ve made the right life choices.

You are where you are meant to be. And if you are not, speaking up will help you reach your destination sooner.

So Say Something. Just like Beth did when she told Randall she’d been let go from her job.

It was uncomfortable and hard but it made her stronger. And we can rest assured, Randall will do what it takes to make sure she is okay.

I promise the right people in your life - you know who they are - will do the same for you too.

Dear 2018

I have no clue what you have in store and if I'm honest, I'm not even sure I'm ready for you. 2017 was pretty good to me. I grew. I traveled. I lived. I slowed down. I wrote and I even read a few books. There were some bad days too of course, actually, there were quite a few of them but 2017 was a step forward in the right direction and that alone is comforting. So, I come to you with open, yet reserved arms, hoping you will will treat me well. 

I hope you bring some of my wildest travel adventures yet. 

I hope you bring random weekend and road trips. 

I hope you bring new friends and social excitement. 

I hope you remind me how lighthearted youthfulness is. 

I hope you bring a sunny spring, a warm summer, a colorful autumn, and a balmy winter. 

I hope you bring new life and yet the familiarity of birthdays and holidays. 

I hope you teach me lessons I may not want but need. 

And I hope we get along but even if we don't I want to say thanks: 

Thanks for the chance to begin again. Thanks for all the new memories you'll share. Thanks for another chance to be better, stronger, truer and more loving. Thanks for 365 more days. Even when I'm tired, frustrated, moody and upset, my one goal is to remember to say thanks.

Time is my greatest gift and you, my friend, are part of the master plan. 

Not Afraid

I waited so long to go. Years even. Patiently, and then impatiently as I watched others book their tickets. Pictures flooding my Facebook timeline unintentionally evoked jealousy. But finally, my time had come...

I booked my ticket to Israel with nervous excitement. I couldn't believe it was real, but it was. It is. For 10 days, I will be in Israel and Palestine interacting with the very cultures I've studied for so long in their native land, the Holy Land. November 3-13, 2014. My excitement was short lived however as family and friends expressed legitimate concern. Israel was in the midst of war. 

Bombs. Death. Chaos. Rockets fired. Gunshots. Innocent lives lost. Scared children. Confused adults.  Cultural misunderstanding. Hatred.

The negative aspects seemed endless. Family told me not to go. Friends convinced me to wait until the chaos died down. Delta stopped all flights to Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv.  Upset, heartbroken and angry at the ignorance, I pouted. For days. 

Reluctantly, I resolved to cancel the trip. I would wait until another, "better" time arrived. But then I thought about it. Could there ever be a better time? Sure, I have no doubt that there will come a time when the war will cease. But does that make it a "better" time? 

Isn't the best time show love when people need it most? 

Isn't the best time to develop relationships of peace when people have been worn down by war? 

Doesn't the scribe account for all details of the life? The good, the bad, the breathtakingly beautiful, as well as heartbreaking ugliness? 

Perhaps, some will think I'm silly. Perhaps some will find my decision as downright stupid. Regardless, I am not afraid. 

I pray for the peace of Jerusalem. I pray for the people of Gaza. I pray for the children stuck in another round of hatred. I pray for all the things we Westerners don't even understand. And I will continue to pray, but if the war does not end by November, I will pray for the strength to be a Modern Scribe. I will pray for the strength to love....and for eyes to see and embrace beauty in and through desolation. I will pray to not be afraid. 

So, What's Up with this Modern Scribe thing?

I have a confession. I have what my sister calls, an obsessive personality. Trust me, it is not as bad as it sounds. Okay, maybe it is but I do not stalk people. I do however, stalk cultural events. Specifically, cultural programs surrounding the Middle East. Whether it’s a local film festival, language class, a documentary showing, cooking, art or even dance class, I want to be involved. I do this over and over and over again. Enter obsessive personality. The crazy thing is, the third or fourth time I do it is just as exciting as the first time. I am always learning something new.

This past winter I attended the Jewish film festival here in Atlanta, GA. My favorite film was a documentary called Dancing in Jaffa. The film followed ballroom extraordinaire Pierre Dulaine as he returned home to Jaffa to teach both Israeli and Arabic students how to dance. The twist, and it was a huge twist if you know even a tiny bit about Middle Eastern conflict, is that the students—the Israeli ones and the Arabic ones—were to dance together. You can imagine the faces of both the parents and children when Dulaine revealed his ultimate plan. Shock, immediate refusal and disgust are just a few words to describe the reactions. I enjoyed the film because it reminded me of how society can be—distant, and too often defined by labels. I’m this, you’re that type of  thing. But at the end of the day, we’re all human, and we are all participants in this journey called life.

I was reminded of a few things:

•  Segregation is a learned trait
•  The innocence of children is contagiously beautiful
•   It’s ok to be uncomfortable
•   Hope lives among us all, even at the darkest times and in the darkest places
•   Leading others is never easy, but it is worth it
•   Laughter revives the soul and refreshes the spirit
•   To give up is to fail

I wrote about my experience at the Jewish film festival, and a couple other things in an immersive essay called “Shalom! What’s Going On?"

This, essentially, is my mission as the Modern Scribe, to record what really is going on…

In the words of Marvin Gaye, “come on talk to me / so you can see / what’s going on / tell me what’s going on/ I’ll tell you what’s going on.”

My work, my aim, my passion is to exchange life stories that help us—me, you, him, her, them and even those people over there—figure out, just a little bit better what’s going on in this journey called life.

Do you dare join the journey?